I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
