Four minutes until I can fart!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
