Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
