my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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