Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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