i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
