I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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