I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
