just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
