well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
