So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
