How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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