when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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