The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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