His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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