and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
