We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We just shotgunned beers for America
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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