Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can you bring me the toilet please
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
