party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
