i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
