dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
