I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
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My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
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I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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