for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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