the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He shit in the fireplace
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
