tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
