I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
