just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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