that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
