I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
