I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
