Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
