my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
