You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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