i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
