she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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