I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
