When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
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The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
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I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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