so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
