you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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