nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
