i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
