god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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