So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
