I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
