he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
