3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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