There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
