If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
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she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
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Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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