if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
