the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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