I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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