I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
