i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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