my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
