I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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