we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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